


if someone believed me (they would be as in love with you as i am)

by thetruthmayvary



Series: if i lose myself, will i find it? [2]
Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:16:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetruthmayvary/pseuds/thetruthmayvary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick gets rid of his pills because he needs Harry. But people don't understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if someone believed me (they would be as in love with you as i am)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nicodiver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicodiver/gifts).



> This is a follow up one-shot to if i kiss you, will my mouth read this truth. The title is from The xx's Angels. I apologize to anyone who knows anything about Schizophrenia, even though it's a disorder that's very complexed and can result in different symptoms I kind of abused that for the sake of the story.

Nick thought that he'll get used it in time.

He thought that he'll realize that suffering so much over a mere fantasy is simply ridiculous and that he'll just _decide_ to get better and that will be it.

But it wasn't.

Which is why he's standing in his bathroom with two bottles of pills in his right hand and a great desire to flush them all down the toilet in his mind.

He's not even sure if it would work – after all Riley and Ailey never came back, so why should Harry be any different?

He still flushes them, though, because something's telling him that Harry _is_ different. That he's been different all along.

The thing is – Nick's always been good at pretending that he's alright. His first psychiatrist told him that he's too good at it, too good for his own good. He told him that if he wasn't so protective over his little imaginary friends that he would have gone even longer without being treated properly.

When Nick remembers his words now, he thinks that the man had no fucking idea what he was talking about.

He was so much happier when Harry was around – so how can having him gone be for his own good?

The whole idea is absurd.

Work gets harder.

Sometimes he freezes and sometimes he can't shut up and neither of those is alright when you're a radio host.

There are days when Nick thinks that the only reason they don't fire his ass is that they think he'll go all psycho on them and start shooting around or something.

Still, he's glad they don't. His job is the only thing keeping him somewhat healthy.

At first he only sees Harry when he's somewhere between sleep and awake. He squeezes into his bed one night and Nick isn't sure if that will be enough, but he still puts his arm around him and for a moment it feels like it will be.

Harry's gone by the morning, but his smell still lingers on the sheets and Nick starts to wonder if it's possible that's he's right and everybody else is wrong. Because only real people can smell that good.

It turns into a sort of a routine – every night when Nick's about to drift off to sleep, Harry would appear next to him. Nick would hold onto him like a lifeboat, until sleep would finally catch up with him completely.

In the morning, he would wake up alone and cold and wanting more and more each passing day.

Until one day he gets it.

Harry knocks on his door and when Nick opens it up for him Harry walks in like he owns the place.

Like he was never even gone.

“Do you have any food? I'm starving,” Harry says and Nick hugs him so tightly that Harry has to protest because he can hardly breathe.

“Sorry,” Nick says when he finally lets him go. “And no, I don't, but we can order something.”

They order a pizza, and while they're waiting for it to arrive Harry tells him all about the VMA's and Nick finds it too easy to hush that part of him telling him that One Direction has only  four members.

“You seem sad,” Harry says suddenly, when they're on the sofa, watching the second part of The Pirates Of The Caribbean because that's Harry's favourite one.

“I'm not. I just missed you,” Nick answers quietly.

“I'm here now,” Harry mumbles and kisses his neck softly before nuzzling his head into the crook of it.

Nick likes the way Harry's hair tickles his chin and he can't resist but smell it, because he knows only real people smell really good.

Soon, Harry has to go because he has early rehearsals in the morning and Nick kisses him goodbye – a short, gentle kiss, and Harry smiles widely before telling him he'll see him tomorrow.

However, they see each other again that night. Once again, Harry sneaks into his bed without a word and Nick doesn't ask how. He thinks it's probably better if he doesn't know.

They fall into another routine after that. Every afternoon, or whenever Harry can make it, he comes to his place, and they always watch movies they've already seen so that they don't have to pay too much attention to it, or they just talk and laugh or make out or make the most ridiculous playlists ever.

It goes on for about a month.

Nick tries to be careful at first – he doesn’t mention Harry to anyone and he specifically asks him not to come over to the station. They stay mostly indoors and when his mum or Aimee or whoever drops by while Harry is over, Nick asks him to stay in his room.

But by December, Nick starts to lose it a bit.

He sees Harry on TV with the other members of One Direction and it doesn’t feel strange.

He and Harry plan to spend the Christmas together and Nick doesn’t even think about the fact that he’s supposed to spend it with his family.

They make a _Christmas songs that aren’t played over and over again in every supermarket ever_ playlist, and Harry agrees to cook them a Christmas dinner and Nick buys him the most perfect gift and Harry tries everything to find out what it is before he should.

“At least give me a hint,” Harry begs when Nick shakes his head for the fifth time.

“I can’t give subtle hints, so no,” Nick responds.

“Please,” Harry says, doing his puppy face and Nick laughs because Harry thinks he’s so weak.

“Learn to take no for an answer, Harry.”

“But I don’t need to,” Harry smiles smugly. “You always say yes to me.”

“Liar,” Nick calls out, but he’s smiling too.

“Nope,” Harry says and wraps his arms around Nick’s neck, his face only an inch away from his. “I’d never lie to you.”

There something in Nick’s mind telling him that that’s not true, but Harry’s so close and his smiling lips are almost touching his and his eyes are sparkling like he’s never told a lie in his life, so Nick ignores that warning and just kisses him.

Harry laughs in the middle of their kiss, so Nick pulls away a bit. “What?”

“Nothing,” Harry mumbles but Nick stares him down until he adds “I love you, that’s all.”

Nick lowers his head until their foreheads are touching and he’s fighting a huge grin as he responds “I love you, too.”

He kisses him again, and this time it’s slower and softer and Harry’s lips have never felt more right.

It’s 10 days till Christmas when Nick’s reading through the tweets with questions fans wanted them to ask One Direction when they’ll be on the show the next day.

They are barely any normal ones, mostly _will you marry me_ and _why you so fit_ and _have my children_ type ones, but Nick finds it strange how they are many directed at specific members, but none aimed directly at Harry.

“Why is no one asking Harry a question?” he says out loud, mostly to himself, but Matt hears him.

“Because there is no Harry, Grimmy. Are you okay?” Matt asks with a worried expression and Nick knows that he’s probably genuinely concerned but he still can’t help but hate how Mat looks like he’s just been waiting for something like this to happen. For him to mess up.

He also doesn’t like that he’s mentioning Harry at all.

“Yes,” he responds swiftly and thinks about how he’ll make up questions for Harry because he doesn’t want him to feel left out.

Matt leaves it at that, but the concern is still written all over his face.

Aimee comes over that afternoon and Harry isn’t there because he has an interview so it’s all good.

Until Aimee tells him she talked to his mum, who talked to Matt.

“Are you taking your pills?”

“Yeah,” Nick lies easily. It’s the response she wants and the response he needs to give if he doesn’t want for his world to come crumbling down again.

And he doesn’t.

“But you’re still seeing Harry?” Aimee asks, trying to look him in the eyes but Nick decidedly looks at his feet.

Nick fidgets uncomfortably – he really doesn’t like it when people who don’t believe Harry is real say his name.

He takes too long to answer, so when he finally says “No”, it’s obvious that Aimee doesn’t believe him.

“You shouldn’t be able to see him Nick, it’s not good for you. You need to take your meds.”

“It is good for me,” Nick says defensively. “ _He_ ’s good for me!” he starts shouting and his hands start shaking and Aimee starts looking at him with fear and pity.

“I love him so you can all go fuck yourselves, okay?” he shouts that, too, and it feels strange shouting at Aimee but she hit him where it hurts so she deserved it.

“I’m just trying to help you,” Aimee says quietly, and in contrast to Nick’s voice it sounds even quieter.

“Well I don’t need your help!” he says, still shouting. “So you can go.”

She doesn’t leave immediately; she waits for him to take it back. He doesn’t, though, so eventually she puts on her coat, kisses his hair and walks out.

Nick feels angry and scared all up until Harry sneaks into his bed that night with promises of a perfect holiday with cold winter nights spent under a blanket with songs from their Christmas playlist playing in the background.

Nick calms down significantly after that and when he closes his eyes that night, he knows that it’s only Harry’s hand around his waist that is enabling him to fall asleep.

Next day everything happens quickly and before Nick manages to make sense of it.

One Direction is their guest on the show, and Harry is there and he doesn’t answer any of the group questions but when Nick aims a question directly at him (“Have you got anything special planned for the holidays?”) and Harry answers it with a huge grin (“Kind of, yeah”) everybody in the studio shoots him a similar look and Liam goes ahead and answers the question like it’s aimed at him and Nick has just mixed up his name.

Nick can’t have that, so he says “Thanks, Liam. I had a different question prepared for you, but you obviously fancied Harry’s”  and he laughs but no one else joins him.

Matt then tells Louis to announce their single and when he does, Matt plays Kiss you and he takes Nick over to the side.

“There is no Harry here, Nick, you have to stop doing this.”

Nick just laughs right at his face and he walks over to Harry, bends down and kisses him full on the mouth.

Harry smiles beautifully at him, and Nick then feels someone’s hand pulling him out of the studio.

He’s sitting on a plastic chair and Fiona is there with him and she’ telling him that everything will be alright and he feels a bit dizzy.

Soon enough, he’s in the hospital and they’re showing him to his room in the psychiatric ward and he thinks it’s because of that kiss but he can’t make himself regret it.

He stays there for a week. He talks to doctor Anderson twice a day and he has to open his mouth wide for the nurse every time he swallows his pills and he has visitors every day and they’re all assuring him he’ll be out by Christmas.

Doctor Anderson is a man in his forties and he knows who Nick is because he listens to his show. He wants to talk a lot about Harry and since Nick can’t talk _to_ Harry, talking about him to someone who’s first response isn’t “Harry isn’t real” is not all that terribly bad.

“I need him,” Nick tells the doctor in one of their morning sessions.

“Why?” doctor Anderson asks. He abandons the pen in his hand and pays all of his attention to his patient.

“Because he doesn't know I'm crazy,” Nick says because it’s the first thing that comes to his mind, and even though he knows that he could name tons of other reasons he’s pretty sure this is one of the main ones.

“You think people who know you're sick can't love you like he does?”

 “No, I _know_ that they can't.”

“How do you know that?” the doctor asks and readjusts in his chair so that he’s leaning towards Nick.

It's quite simple, but it's hard for Nick to explain. He knows that there are people who love him – his parents, his brother and sister, his friends – they all love him. But their love is flawed. They're flawed. They pity him when he doesn't want to be pitied and they think they know what's best for him when in fact they know nothing and they say they understand when not even Nick himself does.

Harry's love and Harry himself are not flawed. There's not a thing about either of them that he would change.

Except that, maybe, they were real.

Because it’s two days before Christmas, and he really, _really_ needs them to be.

He almost forgets that the doctor’s still waiting for an answer. He’s staring him down with a practiced patience and Nick almost feels sorry for him. When he finally answers, he voices the words out quickly because he’s pretty sure he’s only a few blinks away from crying.

“Because there's no perfection in the real world.“

 


End file.
